Jolting awake from a familiar punch in the arm, I shakily roll out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. Clumsily I flip on the lights, and fumble through the top drawer in search of my morning minty obligation.
Seemingly seconds later I gather up my phone, the Fire Stick and my coffee cup and head to the living room. After setting everything down, I put the Fire Stick back into the living room tv, and head for Baerd's (my youngest) room. His cries immediately turn to laughter as I lift him from the iron bars of his crib.
After setting him down and getting the daily injection of Mickey Mouse going, I shuffle over to the Keurig to start the day.
This is pretty much every morning of my life right now. Kourtney (my wife) gets up throughout the night with Baerd since at almost one, he still refuses to sleep all night. Which in turn, means that we can't sleep either. Well, to be accurate, Kourtney can't sleep all night. I sleep like a baby.
But wait, don't completely take me out of the running for husband of the year just yet; there is a tradeoff. Since she gets up at night, I alwayssssssss get up with him in the morning. Then Kourtney gets to sleep 2-3 hours longer than I do. So it all works out. Especially if you are Kourtney, it works out really well for Kourtney.
The rest of the day was fairly business as usual. I hardly ever eat breakfast, so only having ice cream, Bourbon, and protein powder as an option, it was not difficult to maintain that tradition today.
I did start getting really hungry around lunchtime, however. Like, really, really hungry. Like, I normally haven't eaten by now, why in the shit am I already feeling like my insides are murdering each other over the last scrap of 79% digested hamburger, this is bullshit, hungry.
It was weird, and unexpected. Maybe my body knows what's coming and is already rebelling against the plan.
But, I made it through with minimal damage and only minor internal bleeding, all the way to around 6pm when I had my first meal.
Ben & Jerry's Blondie Ambition was first on the menu, and boy did it start out strong. The BUTTERY BROWN SUGAR ice cream base was literally ridiculous. It should be a standalone flavor, for sure.
Then, just as quickly as a sloppy hangover and some sunlight falling ever so gently over your semi-conscious, nocturnal partners face at 8:33am can sour the fond memories from the night before, I became not far from disgusted with the ice cream. I don't know if it was the now sickly sweet taste of the brown sugar ice cream I was not moments ago singing exaltations to, or the (deep breath) now someone left the god-damned sugar out of the mother-fucking graham crackers at the Honey Maid factory bland, blonde brownie pieces.
But whatever caused the sudden reversal of undying love, it was bad, and sadly, I doubt I will ever be able to visit mouth paradise with that particular ice cream ever again.
But no loss, there are more than enough flavors for this lifetime.
I still have two servings of protein powder, and another pint of B&J's to shovel down, and hopefully they wont leave me feeling quite so turned around inside.
Other than a pretty damn, super sweet leg and back session at the gym this evening, that was pretty much it for day 1.
Thank you for joining me on this journey of self depravity, and I hope that you enjoy yourself at least somewhere close to as much as I do with it.